Michael Rossato-Bennett lives in NYC. He is a householder with a wife, two beautiful children and two dogs. He has accepted the challenge to become Enlightened in one year. Will he succeed?

A conversation: Is Hari a good Teacher? from Michael Rossato-Bennett on Vimeo.

4

I want to tell you I understand…

At the end I can finally see I am just at the beginning.

I see dead people!

This morning I had an insight, looking back at myself as a young man I saw why I had trouble finding good women.  To be honest… I see that back then I was not looking for a person, instead I was looking for someone to fill my emptiness.

I would not have touched me either… (ouch!)

Now I can see that that emptiness that seemed so real is not real at all.

‘Well, it felt real!’

Yes, I know, there was a true energetic lack inside of me back then.  I can see now that my soul hungered for touch and care, and it was not there for me when I was young.  I was a little bird and the mother had flown away. The water and sunlight was not there for the plant when it should have been.  And my poor little mind spasmed, trying to make sense of the fact that my desires were there but their fulfillment was not.  It was enough to ruin the idea of god for me.

If you you have pain and emptiness I want to tell you I understand.  We are all programed biologically, I believe, to want love, safety, and touch.  If your mind is thrashing around, trying to deal with a world that does not make sense- all I can say is you are not alone, and you probably are living in a world that does not make sense.

But what I have learned from my year of practicing is that there is no such thing as emptiness really.  That was just my mind talking, loud and furious, blinding me, binding me to a foolish story written by a madchild, seeking an audience of fools.

Back to my insight, I think girls that were interested in me then had to have been nuts.

I can see everything!!!!

I was lost in a Matrix of my own creation, a story with a goal, a redemption, and they were just players in my story.  I was foolish.  I believed my story was important.  I could not feel myself, I could only feel the story. Who would sign up for that?  Nuts!  People who had matching stories I guess…

From the path of my year I have discovered this: I have discovered there is a place inside me that is more real than my story.  To experience that place, is presence.  For me I feel it in my chest; it pulses with heart and my breath and my infinity and experiencing it, I unfold into the magic world that is outside my mind and my story. I think this is the job of meditation.  But when you meditate- try to do this- find your soul.  Feel it. Drop the story, drop the mind.

This morning, as I was walking my dogs, I put the me now, walking through this magic world, into my past.  I took him back to those sad times when I was looking for love and was never satisfied and I saw how different it would have been if I had this way of being then.  Instead of hunger, I would have had so much to give.  Instead of need, I would have shared being.  This is such a huge and simple lesson and if you need to learn it I wish you speedy progress.  I think if you can get to living in your soul instead of your mind you will be a lot more.  You are literally trading a box for the world.  And the only one who loses is your ego, so do it!
I also see that I am at the beginning- this soul of mine, of yours, can expand so much more!  I must begin again…
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3 Responses to “I want to tell you I understand…”

  1. Itay says:

    Well put, hermano.

    Funny how neediness actually guarantees rejections and feeds itself in an endless cycle. Need proudly but do not be needy, want passionately but do not beg, this may may be the key to attraction, you sexy thing.

  2. admin says:

    You got it!

  3. Zach says:

    I don’t care for your mind but I’m in love with your soul…

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