Michael Rossato-Bennett lives in NYC. He is a householder with a wife, two beautiful children and two dogs. He has accepted the challenge to become Enlightened in one year. Will he succeed?

A conversation: Is Hari a good Teacher? from Michael Rossato-Bennett on Vimeo.

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DAY 64

Diary Day 64

Well, my teacher is flying, telling me she sees me being able to become enlightened, and I am in the throes of the darkest emotions since I began this journey. Up until now I have been able to cast off the claws of my emotions and my mind but not this time. It is like the perfect storm of Michael fricking stuff. See, my wife is leaving for a vacation to Argentina, alone. Now, that is great, but she has a habit of being distant and detached and I have a habit of creating safety from abandonment by getting angry.

Life’s perfectly designed to scratch your private and sensitive spots! But this meditation is helping a bit. I am feeling the emotions as entities in my heart, watching them, feeling them, even if I have no ability to change their course. 


So, I am angry, waves of it, I am the child, abandoned at 3, and there is nothing I can do, nothing I could do back then, those who were supposed to love me are unavailable and threatened by my desires and needs!

What do I do? I start picking fights; I get on the Internet and start fights with people who owe me money. I start thinking about old battles that I have forgotten about, like the guy who owes me  $30,000 and has disappeared. And I start thinking about suing him. I write to a lady who stiffed me 5 years ago! And all the time I am watching myself do this, realizing what I am doing. This is the life I used to lead. But there was no watcher back then. My anger was my only refuge, the only thing that could take the energy of me feeling and dissipate it.

And then my damn teacher sends me this amazing note- telling me that there is something out there, something infinite that is real.

Well if that were true, why do I feel like this? What use is G-d if he disappoints me? ‘Why did you let the things that happened to me happen? Why did you send me parents who were crazy? Why did you let me choose a woman who is a turtle and scurries into her shell whenever I get emotional? Why? God, you suck! Everyone is part of the infinite but me!! Why am I left out?’

Before I was resistant when my teacher told me she wanted me to argue with God! Well, now I want to!

I spit on the Infinite! It is springtime, Oh Infinity, and all of the world is drinking from you but I am all alone! And angry! I do not want to be alone! I want you to apologize. That’s right God! You apologize to me! ME! ME! ME!

I watch myself – I am crazy! Now, I am screaming at G-d with my mind and I feel like I am burning God! LIKE I COULD BURN GOD WITH MY MIND IF I WANTED TO!

Like I am super powerful. Like I can keep the infinite at bay with the power of my mind!

OK, I observe again, and realize I am not that powerful, I can’t keep the Infinite at bay, that is just a feeling. This god burning, it only works if I do it as a short blast. My super powers are very limited.  Now, I am trying to burn god in a sustained way and it doesn’t work. I can’t sustain it, the anger dissipates and I am left with awareness and aloneness and a hint of contact with the Infinite! Damn, this just makes me angry again!

BEWARE THE WRATH OF ME GOD!!! PREPARE TO BE BURNED BY MY MIND RAY!!!

BEWARE MY MIND RAY G-d!

(And I’m not alone; there are plenty of people angry with You! I’m going to organize them! Ohhh, you should not have messed with me!!!!)
LETS ALL FOCUS OUR MIND RAYS ON GOD AND PUNISH HIM FOR ALL OUR DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HURTS!!! BURN GOD! BURN!!! HOW DOES IT FEEL GOD! The shoe is on the other foot NOW!

I am so tiny.

I feel so strange- I feel like a tantruming baby and a wise man, all in the same body! As I argue with the Infinite I feel the paradox. I don’t believe in it and yet I can feel it being argued with. It is there in the air, in everything I see and yet I do not believe in it.  And I am mad at it!!  Paradox! Learn to live with it Man!

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